I thought I was going to die!
‘’I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it’’
Nelson Mandela
Anxiety is a bitch. For those of you who suffer or have suffered from bouts of anxiety you can surely relate to this comment.
As a child and as an adult I’ve suffered from bouts of anxiety. It wasn’t outwardly obvious because I was social and excelled in school and at work. Instead it was this deep internal anxiety, almost like it followed me on the string of a kite from another life.
As I aged, I learned that a lot of my anxiety was driven by my perfectionism. At times this perfectionism could serve me but other times it was a nuisance and an obstacle to overcome.
Fast-forward 20 years and I’m a mom. Being perfect only exists on Instagram snapshots! It was so difficult because everything seemed out of my control all of a sudden. To add to this, after my second child I developed terrible insomnia – which definitely doesn’t help improve anxiety! I used all the tools I had to improve the quality of my sleep over the years, but something more drastic needed to be done.
Discomfort helps create change
A few years ago, my husband and I started talking about having a travelling adventure with our girls. In my twenties I lived and worked in Asia, and I really wanted to take our kids to the beautiful places I had so many fond memories of. I wanted our kids to really experience different cultures and get out of their comfort zone. So, we set up a vacation fund and slowly started saving up for an eventual adventure.
We talked and talked about our dream trip and at times I felt like it was all talk. I was getting a little frustrated and impatient that it would just stay as a pipe dream. Then, we started hearing one too many traumatic stories of people too close to home dying or getting very sick. We knew it was time to stop dreaming and start acting! So around my birthday, my husband called me to say he’d booked 4 tickets to Bangkok!!!! We would explore Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Australia and Bali. A trip of a lifetime! I was soooo excited that we were finally putting into action our words and dreams!!!
Hello again anxiety
As we were planning our trip, I felt a mix of emotions – excitement and fear were the two principal ones. Unfortunately, anxiety and fear seemed to be trumping excitement. It was almost unmanageable. I couldn’t sleep. I had terrible nightmares of our plane crashing into the ocean. I literally saw us on numerous occasions plunging to our deaths. I saw us in a bus crashing off a cliff or coming head on with another bus. I saw us getting hit while walking the streets. I saw us getting stung by venomous snakes, jellyfish and spiders and dying slow deaths. I saw my husband catching dengue for a second time and suffering greatly, on the edge of death. You get it right?! This kept me up at night and made simple tasks challenging. I was exhausted.
Also, because I was working so much to save up for our trip I was very stressed and I put aside my own practice to focus more on my family and work. The little bit of meditation and breathwork I snuck in just weren’t cutting it. I still awoke in the middle of the night with a sick feeling in my chest. Somehow, I thought I was above my anxiety and it would just miraculously go away. I kept thinking, tonight is the night, I will sleep better and wake up feeling refreshed and calm. But I was just too deep into my anxiety. Too deep into my fear. There was little space for hope.
Joy over fear
Despite at times thinking that it wouldn’t happen, on January 9th 2024 we flew to Bangkok. Of course, every little bump on the plane I thought “this is it, the plane just lost an important part and we’re plunging down to our deaths”. But then, the unimaginable happened! We landed safely in Tokyo and then safely in Bangkok!!! And throughout our trip we would take many flights, buses, trains and taxi rides. And you know what, we made it to and from our destination safely. Time after time. And finally on March 21st 2024, we landed safely in Montreal and made it home to our beds safe and sound.
Intuition or anxiety
But wait, I saw us crashing, I felt it, I was sure that my intuition was right. It just felt so real. So vivid. So scary. And so true. Except that it wasn’t. My anxiety and fear were so strong that my mind got stuck in all sorts of potential disastrous scenarios. And this is where I realized that a lot of my anxiety was created by the stories I told myself. By my thoughts that then became my beliefs. By the anticipation of something potentially terrible happening. And this is where I realized just how smart my mind could be and how it could play many mean tricks on me.
Learning to let go
With each safe landing, my confidence increased, and my anxiety subsided. With each safe arrival, my breath got deeper and slower. With each view of the ocean, my heartbeat calmed down. And one day, I was able to make space for calm thoughts. And then more positive thoughts. And then I was able to change my thoughts. And my sleep got better.
Why our brains love fear and anxiety
Our brain thrives on negative thoughts. It’s so much easier to fill it with fear and negativity than with hope and positivity. Once a negative thought is planted in your brain, it becomes easier to think about it again. As a result, negative neural pathways are created – which is basically defined as “a series of connected neurons that send signals from one part of the brain to another.” The brain preferring negative thoughts is defined by neuroscientists as: “The tendency for negativity to have a stronger impact than positivity.”
Scientists say that we’re wired to focus on threats to our survival, and we react more strongly to stimuli that stir up negative feelings. This is partially due to our survival instinct. Back in the day, there were many threats to one’s survival – hungry tigers or bears could be lurking anywhere. When our brain perceives a threat, like a hungry tiger, our fight or flight system kicks in. Once the threat is gone (example tiger went away to focus on a hyena instead of you!), the body goes back to its baseline. However, when we are constantly in a state of stress and anxiety we can remain in fight or flight mode and our alarm system goes off more frequently.
Being aware of this negative bias, this is where it becomes important to continuously reframe negative thoughts into positive ones – otherwise the negative thoughts will usurp your mind.
This is where I was basically living for months last year. No matter how hard I tried, the positive thoughts kept struggling to get in and the deadly scenes of horror, the increased heartbeat and the tightness in my chest and throat were always taking over.
But there is hope. Focusing on those moments in our trip that confirmed that everything was going to be alright helped. Each time I landed by plane or arrived safely by bus, taxi, scooter or train I took a breath of gratitude. I also reminded myself that “I’m ok, I’m safe. I made it”
Tips for putting it into practice
We can all fall into the fear trap. There’s no shame in that game. No one is immune to its powerful grip. If these scenarios seem familiar to you, there is hope!
Start simply with gratitude and positive affirmations. The more your brain hears the positive playlist, the less room there will be for the depressing playlist.
And don’t forget that regularity is also key. I was doing little snippets here and there but it wasn’t enough. Make time because you matter. Make time because being consistent will bring you positive results.
Here are a few affirmations to get you started on the road to hope, joy, peace and acceptance:
- I’m safe
- I’m brave
- I’m healthy
- I’m strong
- I’m worthy
- I’m enough
- I’m calm
- I’m here now and neither the past nor the future can find me
- I’m peaceful
- I’m joyful
- I’m ok
- Everything is going to be alright
- I’m thankful (you can also add something or someone you’re grateful for)
- I’m whole and complete just as I am
- I’m doing my best
- I deserve…(add a word that speaks to you)
- I’m confident
- I’m at peace
- I forgive myself
- I forgive others (you can add someone specific if you are struggling with forgiveness of a particular person)
- I accept (her, him, myself, this situation, etc)
- I’m centered
- I’m connected to myself (and others)
And one last thing…research has shown that confidence is actually built through action. So stop waiting and start acting! It all starts with one small step.
Breathe, grow and let go,
Brigitte xx
